Saturday, January 5, 2008

Pounce upon a time

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived many happy people. They worked hard for survival, hunted in packs, ate together - always watching each others' backs. They had each other for company. They lived on whatever Nature provided them with. And then Jamie Uys made a movie on them and called it "The Gods Must be Crazy".

Many years later, WulffMorgenthaler came up with this strip.

So after a main course of despair and sarcasm, side dish of hopelessness and a drink of disappointment (on the rocks, stoned), it's time to say thank you. This effectively means you grimace like a rabid dog, hiss like a viper, squeal "thanks" in a Justin Timberlakish octave and try not to throttle anyone in the next nine yards. The nine yards is a reference to sarees. Chances are if you are already squeaking you have been possessed by the spirit of Duh-shasana. Make that Krishna - he could give Hefner stiff competition. Oh God.

So thank you God.

Our father who smarts in Heaven
Helloed be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy Will be done
As you continue screwing the heathen..
Give us this day our daily mead,
Forgive us our long tresses
As we furtively make passes to those around us.
And lead us not into umkemptation
Butt make deliveries really painless.
For thine is the bureaucracy, democracy and CBI queries for ever and ever.
With lots of women.

Come to think of it (no pun intended), we've given God a pretty hard time (pun intended). For those that don't believe in monotheism, we've given the gods, goddesses, godlets, nymphs, fauns and pole dancers (I mean apsaras) a tough deal. Right from drawing contorted figures of them on rocks to writing leg-ends about their powers and prowess.

Take the deal about Gods not blinking because they are ever watchful over the earth. Protecting us with their benevolent gaze. Thanks very much, but blinkers on when I'm in the loo please. Also when playacting in the bedroom. Those are really private moments. And God, (goddess, godlet, etc) You need to sleep a bit. Think of those strained rods and cones. Think of the bloodshot eyes. Think of the cataract problems you might develop later on. Those windows to the soul need to have shutters down a little bit. No offense if anyone's been saying God's blind. They should realize that You've given them that privacy.

If You created us in Your own image then there's something really wonky about the ten hands and four heads business. If babies are born like that today, then they are possibly:
a) constantly exposed to radiation
b) a US government project
c) marwaris.
Many of the marwaris I know have two bellies, four ears, no eyes, a dewlap and immortal. (They lie like heck about their age. Men AND women.) Hmmm.. this means the marus are God. No wonder people say "Good heavens!" while dealing with them.

Moving on to divine strength and speed. Balancing mountains on little fingers and walking on water is all very fine, but You realize how badly the physicists' happiness is getting screwed? Forget center of gravity and fluid dynamics, You need a chiropractor. Gods have the guts to do lots of things (not accounting for digestive systems) but their backs are most likely busted. Think of engineers, accountants and managers. Poor blokes wind up their backsides flipping numberburgers and oiling up the boss stove.

No, we humans have given the Gods a really bad deal. We take googillions of things for granted, but never thought of according them to the divine. And we won't even take the initiative to help them out. Life insurance for instance. "Sir, you are all powerful and all knowing and all that.. but you're immortal. We can't sell you a policy because you'll never die. There's no provision in the rule book." Speaking of rule books, we mortals have our wrongs and rights written down somewhere. The god in charge of this library has to work around the clock, take no breaks, and keep scribbling. You do realize that this means God doesn't get a chance to have coffee, pee, flirt with colleagues or belong to a union.

Being God must be pretty thankless. Now I know what Holy Shit means Goddammit.