Saturday, January 5, 2008

Pounce upon a time

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived many happy people. They worked hard for survival, hunted in packs, ate together - always watching each others' backs. They had each other for company. They lived on whatever Nature provided them with. And then Jamie Uys made a movie on them and called it "The Gods Must be Crazy".

Many years later, WulffMorgenthaler came up with this strip.

So after a main course of despair and sarcasm, side dish of hopelessness and a drink of disappointment (on the rocks, stoned), it's time to say thank you. This effectively means you grimace like a rabid dog, hiss like a viper, squeal "thanks" in a Justin Timberlakish octave and try not to throttle anyone in the next nine yards. The nine yards is a reference to sarees. Chances are if you are already squeaking you have been possessed by the spirit of Duh-shasana. Make that Krishna - he could give Hefner stiff competition. Oh God.

So thank you God.

Our father who smarts in Heaven
Helloed be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy Will be done
As you continue screwing the heathen..
Give us this day our daily mead,
Forgive us our long tresses
As we furtively make passes to those around us.
And lead us not into umkemptation
Butt make deliveries really painless.
For thine is the bureaucracy, democracy and CBI queries for ever and ever.
With lots of women.

Come to think of it (no pun intended), we've given God a pretty hard time (pun intended). For those that don't believe in monotheism, we've given the gods, goddesses, godlets, nymphs, fauns and pole dancers (I mean apsaras) a tough deal. Right from drawing contorted figures of them on rocks to writing leg-ends about their powers and prowess.

Take the deal about Gods not blinking because they are ever watchful over the earth. Protecting us with their benevolent gaze. Thanks very much, but blinkers on when I'm in the loo please. Also when playacting in the bedroom. Those are really private moments. And God, (goddess, godlet, etc) You need to sleep a bit. Think of those strained rods and cones. Think of the bloodshot eyes. Think of the cataract problems you might develop later on. Those windows to the soul need to have shutters down a little bit. No offense if anyone's been saying God's blind. They should realize that You've given them that privacy.

If You created us in Your own image then there's something really wonky about the ten hands and four heads business. If babies are born like that today, then they are possibly:
a) constantly exposed to radiation
b) a US government project
c) marwaris.
Many of the marwaris I know have two bellies, four ears, no eyes, a dewlap and immortal. (They lie like heck about their age. Men AND women.) Hmmm.. this means the marus are God. No wonder people say "Good heavens!" while dealing with them.

Moving on to divine strength and speed. Balancing mountains on little fingers and walking on water is all very fine, but You realize how badly the physicists' happiness is getting screwed? Forget center of gravity and fluid dynamics, You need a chiropractor. Gods have the guts to do lots of things (not accounting for digestive systems) but their backs are most likely busted. Think of engineers, accountants and managers. Poor blokes wind up their backsides flipping numberburgers and oiling up the boss stove.

No, we humans have given the Gods a really bad deal. We take googillions of things for granted, but never thought of according them to the divine. And we won't even take the initiative to help them out. Life insurance for instance. "Sir, you are all powerful and all knowing and all that.. but you're immortal. We can't sell you a policy because you'll never die. There's no provision in the rule book." Speaking of rule books, we mortals have our wrongs and rights written down somewhere. The god in charge of this library has to work around the clock, take no breaks, and keep scribbling. You do realize that this means God doesn't get a chance to have coffee, pee, flirt with colleagues or belong to a union.

Being God must be pretty thankless. Now I know what Holy Shit means Goddammit.


anirban said...

owesome man!!!!

suchi said...

Good one :) interesting and deft digressions..

Madhuri said...

Me likey :)

And my sympathies to all kinds of Gods.

Lynx Kitten said...

It's so hard playing God. Damn you, SIMS!

dreamy said...

Thank you For showing me the light.
You solved the Maru mystery for me.

Dyaus Spes said...

Writing style seems familiar but lovely post Arks. :)

ad libber said...

Krishna did have 16,000 wives...and, yet, they gave Draupadi such a hard deal..God, or the US Government pretending to be God, is not fair.

Amazing post.

Revenent said...

Your theory of a raw deal and impossible schedules arises because you base it on a very primitive model of monotheism.

Look up the definition of a 'Cult' and the hypocrisy of the Christians deeming the Scientologists as degenerate cultists is quite apparent. Basically, Christianity and Islam are both well established cults with a major member base. A big following still doesn't negate the basic fact that they both still are cults.

All ancient civilisations, be it Greek, Egyptian or Indian (the original vedas and not the ones corrupted by Bramhins; pre-caste era), are based on Monotheism, wherein Gods are much like us humans with a proper heirarchy and human fallacies like greed, lust, wrath, et al. They were more philosophical than dogmatic.

Which brings us to why the Christians and Muslims proliferated. Like all cults, they deal in the absolutes — one penultimate God, mindless and unquestioning faith — afterall their definition of God is someone infalliable and unmistakable. There was a very clear reason for this dogmatism. You take away people's ability to rationalise, kill free thinking, and impose your own rules under the pretense of faith and religion — voila, you have an army of retards capable of dancing to your tunes.

Let's face it; it works just like an army — a battalion of soldiers that leave their brains at the boot camp, are much more efficient at war than, say, every soldier rationilising if the war is justified. The newer monotheistic religions used just that, but in a much more despicable manner than that of my example.

So you see, it's just that some smart bastard decided to capitalise on people's faith and set up the Church/Islam as a means to get a shitload of people under their leash. Look at the history, eventually the Church went on to become more powerful than the Kings and Emperors themselves. That's how Islam and Christianity spread while all polytheistic cultures shrunk. Fortunately, the Christians drop-kicked religion and took to scientific temper, and that's why they are much better than the Islamic fundamentalists.

So, if you're a free thinking person, you'll take the bullshit associated with Gods and Religion with a pinch of salt.

Revenent said...

Kickass article, by the way.

Sandil said...

Sweet :)

Then again, God doesn't exist.

reems said...

Stepping down from His seven-fold height,he says.."Life is a prism of my light,and Death a shadow of my face" :S

Them,Gods party hard too.If whatever I have heard of Elysian Lawns,Diana's Fawns,Divine Nightingales and Rose-scented Daisies is true.Monotheism and Polygamy side by side?!.Ahem.

Main Note:Killer post,this.

full_moon_p said...

Hey, first let me appreciate you for writing it down. Takes a lot of effort to write and even more courage to let someone read it (I know, as I dare not either).

I'm going to try and keep this short.

I feel ridiculous thinking of God in human form (multi-limbs n' all) and chanting in front of a flame for something I want. I believe that 'God' is the powerful force of the universe that can 'strike' us down any minute. Think of all those named and undiscovered planets, suns and various other stuff flying around in the universe that don't hit us, missing every minute. Frightening. And since humans have a hard time believing anything they can't touch and see (and other stuff), we have adapted it to bring it within our grasping power. It's the case of Fermi Paradox- the probability of existence of 'God' is high, but proof is low...
But, reading about a four handed, two headed guy, squinting in library 'cos of lack of sleep, holding his pee is, indeed, refreshingly funny!
Excellent work.

full_moon_p said...

Oh, btw, I agree with Revenent. That's why Christianity spread. I have not heard of Hindu Missionaries propgating and asking people to convert.

anony_mouse said...

dude....ur posts rock!!! :-) :-)

Revenent said...

I wrote:
"All ancient civilisations, be it Greek, Egyptian or Indian (the original vedas and not the ones corrupted by Bramhins; pre-caste era), are based on Monotheism"

I accidentally wrote Monotheism instead of Polytheism in my last comment.

Macadamia The Nut said...

that was S.U.C.H a blasphemous prayer. lol!

WHAT'S IN A NAME ? said...

All that for monotheism. Now, what about the millions of Gods and Goddesses we have in this country. They can make their own union, start their own separatist movement for Yama-land or Vishnu-land, make a mockery of 'divine intervention', as we know it, by rewriting the scripts of our destinies again and again, and most significantly demand for 'higher wages' and 'better working hours' in return for their constant watchfulness over our earthly deeds/misdeeds ala Porakash Karate of the CPI-GOON. What about that ????

Kartik said...

Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the
non-existence of God.
The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God, `for proof denies faith,
and without faith I am nothing.'
"`But,' says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.'
"`Oh dear,' says God, `I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
"`Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets
himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

Excerpt taken from Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy-Douglas Adams.

read it. find me for the e-book.

Kartik said...

well thought out.


wow- awesome! Really loved it.

You've got a really quirky way of thinking. Great work!


and the prayer- Gosh I'm sure you have offended several dozen Christian convent teachers with that! Very funny!

Poojo C. said...

Likening Marus with God --> Heehee

Karthik Balasubramanian said...

oh well.. that was quite hilarious.. nice thing to wake up to following a 15 hour slumber..


Psst...Let u in on a secret- My blog - UPDATED! :D

Random Rambler said...

Quite literally an angry voice eh? :)
I enjoyed reading it...
I think the 24 people before me have said all there is to say...
p.s. god is dead.

Like wtf? said...

Neat! :)

Jubli said...

that prayer should have been followed by ome hymn like:
[dh]Abba,[dh]Abba father,
You are the loafer,
We are the slave,
The work of your mess.

Nayantara said...

"Amen. With lots of women."
Har(i) Har(i)! :D

Hilarious, this!